wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
