I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
