Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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