mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
