I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
