Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
