god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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