oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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