I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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