I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
