no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
