Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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