Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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