left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
