Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
