i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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