what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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