so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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