Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
