apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
