I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
