Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
