This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
