Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm like, not good at living.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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