I just pynch a tree in the face
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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