He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
