i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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