I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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