ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
