I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
