Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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