you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
