Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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