I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
