A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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