Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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