My cat gives me a boner
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
