best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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