omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
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No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
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I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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