I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
