how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
