there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
