I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We're too hungover to prance.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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