I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
