I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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