Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
