i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
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