I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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