his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
