i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
