Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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