Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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