you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
