escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
