Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
