Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
