My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
