Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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