she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
