I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
